13.07.17 | friends

i have a hard time letting people go. and yet, i’ve let a lot of people go in my life. a lot of people whom i love and miss dearly. a lot of people who saw me at my best, and at my worst, and still love me all the same. ☁️
moving on, healing relationships, mending a broken heart – it’s all quite difficult, and i don’t blame anyone but myself. for closing doors and being too afraid to speak, for being too afraid to laugh and live and listen. for hiding – always hiding – in the comfort, or what i thought was the comfort, of silence. (and i am no longer referring to the soft, tranquil, peaceful form of silence, by the way – the kind that invites pleasant thoughts and quiet meditation. no, i am referring to the harrowing, beastly form of silence – the very kind that ensnared me – a hollow void – so empty, so vast, that it fleshed out a life i wished – or thought i wished – to live. it was not a dream but a nightmare that haunted me, not the prologue to a fairytale but the aftermath of a memory, a painful memory, that became tethered to my very core. because in the midst of all the mess i created for myself, i lost the very things i loved: i lost friends that i refused to see, people that i wished to hide from, family that i was too afraid to confront. i lost memories, good memories, of a prior existence, a prior life.) 🕸
but if anorexia, if ocd, if anxiety, if – perhaps – adolescence, betrays you with so much grief, so much anguish, so much remorse, then i think it is safe for me to say, that in my experience, healing – and recovering – does the opposite. because those that love you – well, they never let you go. they hold onto whatever fragment of yourself remains, even when you’ve lost yourself, even when you’re not there. they keep you on your feet, even when you’ve forgotten how to walk; they usher you towards the finished line, even when you’ve forgotten where to go. they’re there – beside you – even when, (and it pains me to say this), even when you’re not there, beside them. and i am grateful – so, so grateful – for these people in my life. because these are my people, and i refuse to lose them again. i will stand by them, for them, with them, everyday. 🕊 #contentment21

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